break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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