I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
