my sisters under your porch take her home
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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