Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
