I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i out mim tonsoeep
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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