Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
