I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
