If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
