a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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