I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
