dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Randomize
