We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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