I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
