She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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