the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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