I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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