and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
