My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she told me i tasted like america
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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