mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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