He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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