I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
