i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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