Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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