Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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