Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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