On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
