just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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