How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
