I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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