I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
