You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
