ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
