she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
