and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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