i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
