my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
