I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
