i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
