my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
