Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
