its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
