there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
