She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
