he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
