I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
