I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
