i need an iv and a liver transplant
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
