He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
