there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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