I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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