I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize
