you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
