tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
