The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You dont lie about slip and slides
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
